


i always had a phd

by achilleees



Series: ridic au fics the discord asked for [3]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Banter, Dialogue Heavy, M/M, POV Outsider, Penis Size, Size Kink, asshole friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-01
Updated: 2018-11-01
Packaged: 2019-08-14 06:41:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16487690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/achilleees/pseuds/achilleees
Summary: “So that’s four for micropenis, three for erectile dysfunction, and three for he asked to take a shit on Kent’s face,” Holster said, tallying them up on a sheet of paper, Mario Kart and pizza long forgotten in the face of this new entertainment.“Yes,” Chowder said, “though remember that I was reluctant to say anything against -”“Yeah, yeah, you didn’t wanna shit-talk Jack, though it’s pretty fucking clearsomethingspooked Kent and you’re just being honest about guessing what,” Holster said, flapping his hand.





	i always had a phd

**Author's Note:**

> i have no explanation for this, other than chatfic encouragement from some very bad people. you can assume that holster and jack were assigned to live together, because there's no other reason holster would live with anyone but ransom, as we all know.
> 
> warning: this follows the tradition of Y1 grumpy jack rather than annoyingly wholesome later-comics jack, if that matters to you.
> 
> actual warning: this fic contains a lot of, like, _dude_ behavior. straight guy behavior, including some superficially 'no homo' attitudes.

“Yeah, come in!” Holster called at the knock on the door, leaning forward in his seat to grab another slice of pizza.

Ransom came in, pulling off his shoes and dumping them in the pile right inside the door. “You fuckers better not have eaten all the pizza this time.”

“I plead the fifth,” Holster said.

Shitty sighed. “That’s nice, if completely irrelevant,” he said.

“Thanks, law-man,” Holster said, grinning at him around his mouthful of pizza.

Ransom took a slice of pizza. “I call next game,” he said. “Oh, hey, is Jack here? I owe him money.”

“He’s in his room -” Holster said.

Ransom started to rise.

Holster hooked his collar and dragged him down. “Getting _mad laid_ , so let’s leave the man alone, yeah?”

“Ooh, got it,” Ransom said, miming zipping his lips.

“Do either of you have any idea what the symbols and phrases you use mean?” Shitty asked Ransom and Holster. “Genuinely curious.”

“Analyze this, bitch,” Holster said, flipping him off with both hands.

“I’ve never heard of Jack hooking up before,” Nursey mused aloud. “Is it Lardo? Is that what they’re doing in that art studio all the time?”

“Dude,” said Shitty, too lazy to sound really offended.

“Oh my god, shut up,” Ransom said fearfully, slapping his hand over Nursey’s mouth and looking around like Lardo might pop out from under the table any second. “Do not say shit like that.”

Nursey fought off Ransom’s hand. “I’m just asking!”

“We still don’t say shit like that,” Ransom said. “Who is he boning, though, anyway?” He looked curiously at Holster.

“Kent Parson,” Holster said.

“Daaaamn,” Ransom said. Tango whistled. Even Shitty looked impressed. 

“Yeah, well, I mean, you’ve seen him,” Holster said, waving in the direction of Jack’s room. “He’s god’s gift to mankind. The pheromones drip off him. No one is immune, not even Samwell’s resident sweetheart himself.”

“World’s hottest couple,” Nursey said.

“See, now, don’t say shit like that in front of Lana,” Ransom told him. “How do you make it through the day without getting dumped?”

Nursey shrugged.

“Still, yikes,” Dex said. “Who knew Kent’s standards were so high?”

Holster scowled. “Whatever, Jack’s not _that_ hot.”

All the other guys scoffed.

“I’m sorry, Holster, but I have to tell you, girls do seem to find him very attractive,” Chowder said. “I believe it is something about the stoic act, given the way they also seem to respond to Johnson.”

Johnson flashed two thumbs up.

“Hey, I mean, they can think that all they want but I live with the dude,” Holster said. “And he’s a hot fucking mess. The other day I -”

The guys didn’t get to hear what happened the other day, because in that moment Jack’s door opened and Kent darted outside, dressing himself so hurriedly he was still only halfway into his jeans, shirt askew.

“Sorry, I just remembered I have to be - somewhere,” he stammered back into the room. “Look at the time! Rain-check? I’ll call you.” He hastily straightened his shirt and zipped up his jeans.

The guys all stared.

“Wait, wait, fuck,” Jack said, staggering naked out of his bedroom, sheets bunched around his waist in one hand. “Kent, _wait_.”

“I gotta go,” Kent said, turning and grimacing when he saw all the guys staring. In an unnaturally high, chirpy voice, he said, “Hi guys! Having fun? I love Mario Kart,” picked up his shoes, and darted out the door.

The guys all looked at each other.

“Oh, fuck,” Jack said, slamming his bedroom door shut as they all burst out laughing at the same time.

 

“So that’s four for micropenis, three for erectile dysfunction, and three for he asked to take a shit on Kent’s face,” Holster said, tallying them up on a sheet of paper, Mario Kart and pizza long forgotten in the face of this new entertainment.

“Yes,” Chowder said, “though remember that I was reluctant to say anything against -”

“Yeah, yeah, you didn’t wanna shit-talk Jack, though it’s pretty fucking clear _something_ spooked Kent and you’re just being honest about guessing what,” Holster said, flapping his hand.

Chowder nodded. “I suppose that’s fair,” he said.

“I’m telling you,” Dex said, “that ain’t no erectile dysfunction. People don’t run screaming if you can’t get it up.”

“He said, with a level of confidence that not only implied experience but possibly even necessitated it,” Shitty drawled.

Dex flipped him off. “I promise, Knight, no girl has ever reacted like _that_ when I was getting down with her.”

“I think we can all make that claim,” Ransom said. “Alright, Holster, your job is figuring out which one of us is correct and shelling out the money accordingly.”

“I’ll try,” Holster said doubtfully, “but if anyone wanted to join me on this quest, I wouldn’t turn ‘em down. Like Johnson, you’re perceptive, you might have better luck than me at reading him. Or Shitty, you’re - you know, you, so maybe you’ll be able to talk it out of him.”

Shitty shrugged. “Sure,” he said.

“The way he just ran out of here,” Whiskey said, eyes distant like he was reliving the moment. “Look at the time!”

They all started laughing again, just as hard as they did before.

Holster fancied he could feel waves of fury rolling out from behind the door to Jack’s room, but hell, he didn’t give a shit. This was so delicious he was going to live off it for years. Best reveal ever.

 

The next morning, Holster was sitting with some of the guys at breakfast when Tango nodded over his shoulder. “Look,” he said.

Holster turned his head and grinned at the sight of Jack filling his portable coffee mug, headphones on, hood up, head down. Chyeah, good luck avoiding this one, Jack.

He hopped up and went over, loitering behind Jack waiting to pounce until he had capped his coffee cup, because he wasn’t _that_ cruel. “Jack!” he said once he had, grabbing his arm and hustling him away before he could protest. “Don’t be antisocial, come sit with us.”

Jack growled and ripped his arm away. “Fuck off, Birkholtz,” he said.

Undaunted, Holster grinned and forced him into a seat at their table. “Don’t be such a grumpy-gills, we just want to say hi to our favorite buddy.”

Jack tried to stand, but Holster kept a hand on his shoulder on one side and Ransom had him on the other side and he couldn’t get the leverage for it. “ _Fuck off_ ,” he snarled.

“Wow, he really is a grumpy-gills,” Ransom said, eyebrows raised.

“I mean, wouldn’t you be?” Holster said, smirking in the face of Jack’s thunderous expression.

Tango leaned back, eyeing him warily.

“You’re a braver man than I am,” Nursey said to Holster. “Let the record show I am not encouraging this behavior,” he added to Jack.

“Noted,” Jack said darkly.

“Hey hey, you’re part of this as much as I am,” Holster told Nursey, shaking his head at him.

Jack made a little growling noise in the back of his throat. “Part of what?”

“We only want to help you with your little problem, don’t be such a -” Ransom started.

“ _Little problem_?” Jack said.

Even Holster got kind of spooked by that tone. Like he actually might murder them, or was at least strongly considering the idea. “Uh, yeah?”

“And what, pray tell, is my _little problem_?” Jack said.

“Uhhh…” Holster looked at the other guys. “You tell us…?”

Jack twisted out of their hands, gone slack from inattention, and bolted out of his seat before they could grab for him again. “I hope you all realize I’m going to hold this against you,” he said, and stalked off.

“You do that, buddy,” Holster said, and turned to the rest. “I’m still going with micropenis.”

 

Holster was sitting in his geo class when his phone buzzed in his pocket. He pulled it out and checked it under the desk.

A text to their group chat from Dex. _Look at the time_!

Holster had to cover his bark of laughter with a coughing fit.

“My goodness, do you need water?” said his teacher.

Holster nodded and stumbled out of the room, only letting his coughing turn into laughter when he was far enough from the classroom to get away with it.

_FUCK I JUST HAD TO LEAVE CLASS BC I WAS LAUGHING SO HARD_ , Ransom texted the group.

_Same_ , replied about half the guys, Holster included.

 

Holster ripped the strip of jerky in half with his teeth as he walked up the quad, juggling his shit as he tried to stuff his wallet into his backpack and zip it up without pausing.

“Oi, Holster,” he heard from the side.

Ransom was sitting with March and April on the grass, and Holster veered over towards them. “I got class in 15,” he said, but plopped down next to them. “What’s the happy-haps?”

“I dunno, something about Butler’s last night, I haven’t really been involved,” Ransom said, waving at the girls, who had barely taken notice of Holster’s entrance. At least March had shot him an absent smile.

“Oh man, that text,” Holster said to Ransom. “I couldn’t pull it together to go back to class for like, five minutes.”

“Same,” Ransom said.

“Rain-check?” Holster said, mimicking Kent’s high tone, which sent them both into fresh bouts of rib-cracking laughter.

“What are you idiots cackling about?” April said.

Holster, wiping his eyes, glanced at Ransom. Ransom looked hesitant, and Holster could see why. It was one thing to mock Jack between the 10 of them that were there. It was another thing to open it up to everyone else in the school. Poor kid probably had enough to deal with, given the micropenis and all.

“Nothin’,” he said. “Inside joke. Please, continue discussing your girl thing.”

“Ugh,” April said, rolling her eyes. “Please, be more condescending.”

Holster flipped her off.

“Look!” March said to April, pointing over Holster’s shoulder, and he turned and saw Jack walking across the quad - headphones on, hood up, head down, thunderous scowl. Yep, all there.

“He’s been in such a bad mood today, he wouldn’t even acknowledge me in class,” April said.

“Yeah, weird,” March said. “Holster, invite him to come sit with us, maybe we can cheer him up.”

“Uhhh,” Holster hedged. “I don’t think that’s gonna happen.”

“He’s kinda avoiding us,” Ransom said.

“What did you do?” April said, hands on her hips. “You do realize that the reason we hang out with you is for access to Jack.”

“Hey!” Ransom said.

“I mean, not totally,” March said. “But… yeah, kind of.”

“What’s the point, if you’re not even worth it as a trump card anymore,” April huffed.

“You’re in a relationship!” Holster said.

“Yes, but if Jack asked, I wouldn’t be,” April said, waving her hand.

Ransom’s eyes narrowed and he looked at Holster.

Yeah, bitch fucking deserved it, Holster decided, nodding.

“The reason he’s avoiding us,” Ransom said, faux-sweetly, “is that we were there when he was hooking up with a dude who literally ran screaming from the room as soon as Jack got naked, so he knows he’s going to get brutally mocked as soon as he’s in our vicinity. But if you want, sure, we can leave so you can do your best to cheer him up.”

March and April both swung their stunned gazes to Holster for confirmation.

“Not literally screaming,” Holster clarified. “Just, like, a little hysterical.”

“A lot hysterical,” Ransom said.

“Yeah, I’ll give you that,” Holster said.

“I don’t believe you,” April said. “Why would -?”

“The vote is currently split between micropenis, ED, and asking to shit on his face or an equally fucked-up sex thing,” Holster said. “But if you have any insight, we’re all ears.”

“You’re lying,” March said.

“We’re really, really not,” said Ransom, clearly enjoying himself.

“Jack doesn’t hook up,” March said like she was searching for any out.

“Yeah, and now I’m starting to see why,” Holster said.

“But -” March said.

“Get over it, dollface,” Holster said. “Boy’s got a sex thing. You can still try to get horizontal with him if you want, just, you know - be ready for it.”

“Holster, I’m going to ask you one last time, are you serious?” April said.

“As a grave, sweetheart,” Holster said, grinning toothily.

April and March looked at each other, horrified.

Ransom and Holster fist-bumped surreptitiously.

 

Most of the guys were sitting in the sci-li later that evening, ostensibly doing homework but really shooting the shit about Jack’s sex thing, when Kent walked in.

Holster noticed when the table went quiet, and he turned his head and caught sight of him.

Kent was looking around for something, and initially his gaze swung by them unseeingly until he registered that there were six boys staring straight at him and he turned back to them.

His eyes narrowed.

“Uh oh,” Ransom said as he stalked over.

“You got something to say?” Kent said.

“Nope, nothing, nothing to say here,” chorused most of the guys.

“I hear you like them big,” said Nursey, because of course he did.

Holster put his head down on the table and bemoaned his taste in friends.

“Is that what Jack said?” Kent bit out, breathtaking in his anger. “Where is he?”

Johnson pointed, and he walked straight to Jack’s table, ripped off his headphones, and snapped something at him as he sat down.

“Johnson,” Shitty said.

“Right,” Johnson said, squinting as he read their lips. In some ways, Holster had made very good choices in his friend group. “Jack’s saying… _I didn’t say anything, but I think they came to their own conclusions when you ran out of my room half-naked_.”

Kent’s anger visibly drained away, and he ran his hand through his hair and bit his lip. When he spoke again, it was clearly an apology, even without being able to read his lips.

Johnson frowned. “Kent’s not enunciating enough, I can’t tell what he’s saying, but Jack’s saying basically _it’s okay, I didn’t give you enough warning_ , and Kent’s agreeing. I think he’s offering something, and Jack’s saying yes.”

“That’s pretty obvious,” Holster said, given the way Jack was nodding.

Jack’s shoulders were relaxing too, the dark cloud he’d been carrying over his head brightening. Maybe it hadn’t just been about their mockery, Holster realized. Maybe he’d been a bad mood because of Kent.

Duh, in retrospect.

“Now Kent’s saying something about - shit,” Johnson said, and turned his gaze hurriedly away. It took the rest of the guys another second to catch on, and by then Kent and Jack were both looking over at them.

They all dropped their gazes a moment too late.

“Uh ohhh,” Ransom said again.

When Holster braved another glance over, Kent was headed to their table.

“Fuck,” he said.

“Hi, sorry about that,” Kent said, all of the fury from before vanished. He smiled brightly, rocking back on his heels. “I thought Jack had said something, but I should have realized you’d have guessed on your own. I could have been more, uh, discreet last night.”

“Sure,” Ransom said. “Happens to the best of us.”

Kent laughed, warm as bells. “Right,” he agreed. “I guess I was just kind of shaken. You understand, right? He did _not_ give me enough warning about that thing.”

“Uh,” said Tango.

“It’s just, like, I’m a pretty small guy and the few dudes I’ve been with have been pretty average size,” he said. “I’ve never fucked someone with just a monster cock before, I have _no_ idea how it’s supposed to fit. But I think I’m gonna give it another go. There’s gotta be a reason society’s so obsessed with them, right?”

“Right,” said Ransom weakly.

“It’s kind of my Everest now,” Kent said. He shrugged. “Which is kind of cool, I needed a new project. Anyway, ciao!” He shot them another smile and left.

Holster looked around at the others, stunned. They stared back.

 

The _Is Kent lying_? vote split evenly, five and five.

 

If Kent had a new project, so did Holster, and that was to find out once and for all what Jack had hidden inside his pants. He was convinced by now that it fell to one end of the spectrum, and he was determined to find out which.

“You know this is kind of gay, right?” Whiskey said.

“It’s not gay!” Holster said. “I’m just -”

“Obsessed with getting naked with another dude?” Shitty said. “I understand.”

“How has Lardo not dumped you?” Dex marveled.

Shitty shrugged.

“It’s not gay,” Holster said again. “That boy has stolen too many girls from me and I need to know once and for all how much I have to resent him for that.”

“I don’t think it counts as stealing girls if they were never interested,” Shitty said.

“They were never interested in me because they were always too busy creaming their pants for him!” Holster said.

“Hearsay,” Shitty said.

“Or speculation,” Johnson said.

“Shut up, law-men,” Holster said, making a face. “I’m speculating.”

“I can tell,” Johnson said.

Holster flipped them both off. “I’m just saying. This isn’t about Jack’s dick. This is about the effect Jack’s dick has had on _my_ sex life.”

“Very gay,” Ransom agreed. “That being said, I’m totally on board.”

“YES,” Holster said, high-fiving him.

 

In the morning, Holster swung open the door to Jack’s room. “Hey sunshine, ready for class?”

Jack hurled a book at him, but he was also sleeping face-down, so that plan was a bust from the start.

 

Stealing his towel while he was in the shower didn’t work, because he’d forgotten that the fucking nerd kept a stack of them under the bathroom sink.

It did get him punched, however.

 

Asking his tennis teammates also got Holster nowhere.

“Huh,” Wicks said, stroking his chin. “Now that you mention it, I’ve never seen the dude’s dick.”

“Never?” Holster said, incredulous. “Does he not shower?”

“No, he showers, but he’s good at undressing without flashing anything,” Wicks said. “Always got a towel around his waist before he takes off his boxer briefs.”

Holster pursed his lips. “Still, in his boxer briefs, shouldn’t you be able to see -?”

“Not if he was a grower instead of a shower,” Wicks said. “See, that’s the thing - you don’t just need to see his dick. You need to see his dick hard.”

“No wonder Shitty thinks this is so gay,” Holster realized belatedly.

“Oh, totally gay,” Wicks agreed. “That being said, now you’ve got me curious. What’s the game-plan?”

“There isn’t really one,” Holster confessed. “How often do you get a chance to look at a dude’s junk when he’s hard?”

“Mornings,” O’Meara said.

“I already tried that, he sleeps face-down,” Holster said.

“Always?” O’Meara said.

Holster frowned. “I mean… I don’t know, maybe?”

“Keep trying that, I guess,” Wicks said. “S’your best bet.”

“Yeah,” Holster agreed, though there was one other time…

 

“You want to catch Jack while he’s having sex?” Ransom said. “Don’t you think that’s a little invasive?”

“I mean, yeah,” Holster said dismissively. “I’m figuring I’ll just hang around until Kent comes over, wait a while and then jimmy the lock on the door.”

“There’s a way to prep the lock so he thinks it’s locked from the inside but you can just turn the handle to open it,” Dex advised.

“Genius!” Holster said, pointing at him. “Knew there was a reason I kept you around!”

Dex grinned.

“Uh, again, don’t you think that’s a little invasive?” Ransom said. “Not just to Jack, but to Kent?”

Holster growled at him. “This is Kent’s fault in the first place. He put the idea in my head and now I need confirmation.”

“I don’t think that holds up in a court of law,” Ransom said.

“I don’t need a third pre-law nerd bitching at me, thanks, I’ve already got enough of them around,” Holster said, waving at Shitty and the absent Johnson. “Dude!”

“Hey, I mean, I still want to be there for the reveal, I just wouldn’t do it myself,” Ransom defended. “Feels like you’re going too far.”

“I think we should put this to the vote,” Tango said.

“No more votes!” Holster said. “I’m doing this. If you want to be there, come over Friday night. If not, shut your stupid face and stay out of it.”

The guys looked at each other.

“Yeah, I’ll be there,” Ransom said, and everyone else nodded.

“That’s what I fucking thought,” Holster said darkly.

 

On Friday night, everything went completely according to plan. Dex helped Holster prep the lock, which worked properly for five tests in a row. The guys came over for Super Smash Bros and pizza. Jack came in with Kent and disappeared into his room. A half hour passed, and the guys started watching Holster expectantly.

And…

“I can’t do it,” he said.

“Aw, come on!” Dex said. “Don’t wuss out _now_.”

“I know, I know,” Holster said, covering his face with his hands. “But Ransom’s right, it’s too invasive. I can’t walk in on a dude while he’s having sex, it’s not right.”

“Ha, see, I told you,” Ransom said. “I _told -_ ”

“I’ll do it,” Nursey said, stood up, walked over, and swung open Jack’s door while they all stared dumbly after him.

Jack snarled wordlessly, Kent yelped, and Nursey stared.

Nobody else breathed.

Nursey walked in a daze back to the others. “I…” he managed to get out, then lost his words.

“Alright, you fuckers want a look?” Jack said, sounding more than a little demonic. He emerged naked from the bedroom with a pillow held over his lap, Kent staggering after him with the sheets wrapped haphazardly around his body. “Take a good fucking look!”

He dropped the pillow.

They all took a good fucking look.

 

“Oh my,” said Chowder.

“Holy shit,” said Ransom.

 “I was not prepared,” said Johnson.

“I…” said Nursey, again.

“That thing should be licensed as a weapon of mass destruction,” said Dex.

“Heh, weapon of _ass_ destruction,” said Whiskey.

“Congratulations,” drawled Shitty.

“Mazel tov,” said Tango.

Kent laughed.

 

“Are you happy now?” Jack said darkly, picking up the pillow again and covering himself with it. He placed his other hand on the small of Kent’s back and nudged him back in the direction of his room.

“Hey Kent,” Holster called.

He turned his head.

He grinned. “Have you conquered Everest?”

Kent laughed, and maybe he would have answered if Jack hadn’t dragged him into his room and slammed the door.

 

If it weren’t for Nursey, that would have been the end of the whole matter. The other nine of them would have taken the whole thing to their fucking graves.

But there was Nursey.

And more importantly, there was Lana.

Nursey told Lana, and Lana told _everyone_ , and by Monday the whole goddamn school seemed to know. People didn’t quite point and exclaim, but they might as well have, watching Jack covertly and whispering behind their hands.

“I fucking hate you,” Jack said sourly to Holster on their walk to breakfast.

“Yeah, I can’t really blame you for that,” Holster admitted. “My bad.”

 

Jack slammed his tray down on the table next to Holster’s at dinner. “I _fucking hate you_ ,” he snarled.

“You know, the statute of limitations on that is rapidly -” Holster started to say.

“Someone literally tried to pants him in the locker room,” Ransom said. “It was hilarious.”

“Okay, yeah,” Holster said, wincing. “Carry on.”

“Is it that big when you’re not hard?” Nursey asked curiously.

“You don’t talk,” Jack said, stabbing at his potatoes. “I hate you almost as much as I hate him.” He jerked his thumb at Holster.

“Hey!” Holster said.

“Do you remember fucking with my doorknob?” Jack said.

Holster thought about this. “Fair,” he said. “That’s fair.”

“So is it that big when you’re not hard?” Ransom said. “Also, please tell me that’s plastic surgery. Please confirm there’s no way that’s natural.”

Jack glared at him.

“You’re like, already an underwear model!” Ransom said. “It’s seriously not fair if -”

“I’m not an underwear model,” Jack said. “Also, feel free to shut the hell up.”

“Dude, I don’t get you,” Holster said. “You’re getting laid by, like, the hottest guy in school, whose sweet ass somehow fits your naturally monstrous cock, and you’re _mad_ about this?”

“It’s none of your fucking business who I’m fucking or how big my cock is,” Jack said. “Only now, for some fucking reason, everyone in the goddamn school thinks it is.”

“Embrace it,” Johnson advised. “I think that’s your only option at this point.”

Jack scowled at him.

“It’s fair advice,” Shitty said. “People will lose interest in the subject soon enough, but until then, deal with it.”

“If you’re looking for sympathy from us, you’re not going to get it,” Ransom said.

Jack scowled more. “I hate all of you,” he said sourly.

“Yeah, you’ve said,” said Nursey.

 

On Tuesday, a girl he’d never seen before asked Holster if the rumors about his roommate were true, and he started to sympathize a bit more with Jack.

 

By Thursday, he was considering buying Jack apology flowers, or something.

 

Friday night, he was putting on his shoes to leave when Jack opened his door. “You going out?” he said.

“Yeah, party on Union,” Holster said.

“I’m coming,” Jack said.

“You’re coming?” Holster said, mind-blown. “Seriously?”

“After the week I’ve had, I need to get trashed,” Jack said, shoving his feet into his sneakers. “You’re paying my cover.”

“Okay, fair,” Holster said, to both those points. “I can swing that.” They started walking. “I figured you’d be hanging out with Kent. He’s been coming over most nights, right?”

“He has early class Tuesdays and Thursdays,” Jack said. “And he works tonight, but he’ll meet me after.”

Holster nodded. “You know, he’s the first guy I’ve seen you…”

Jack shrugged.

“You should bring him out more with us,” Holster said. “To dinner and stuff. We wanna meet him for real.”

Jack looked at him, a little surprised. “Yeah?”

“I mean, you like him so much, he’s clearly gonna be around for awhile,” Holster said. “Yeah.”

“I like him so much, I probably don’t feel the need to inflict you fuckers on him,” Jack said, but Holster could tell he was pleased.

 

The party was more of the same, unsurprisingly. People standing around drinking and looking over at Jack from time to time, like they expected him to just drop his pants where he stood and show them the goods.

Jack scowled, leaned against the wall, and proceeded to get absolutely obliterated on Jungle Juice.

Holster, sighing, recognized his own culpability in the matter and decided it was probably his job to take care of him, at least until Kent showed up and he could shaft Jack off on him.

“Hey, maybe slow down a bit, buddy?” he said after Jack’s fourth red Solo cup.

Jack sneered at him, lips stained like the trashiest lipstick.

“Bro, Kent’s not gonna like you as much if you vomit on him tonight,” Holster said, shaking his head. “You’re gonna wanna save that for, like, a couple months along when he’s already too invested to back out for that kinda dumb shit.”

“Fuck off,” Jack slurred. “This is your fault.”

“Okay, I am literally not at all at fault for this situation,” Holster said. “Slow your rolls, baby-doll.”

“That doesn’t rhyme,” Jack said.

“No it does not,” Holster said, taking the drink from Jack’s hand. “G’job.”

“Fuck,” Jack said. He tipped his head back against the wall. “God. I hate my dick.”

“Bro, you are _hammered_ ,” Holster said.

Jack flipped him off. “You say bro too much,” he said. “Or dude. Or man.”

“Let’s save the frank appraisals of my bad habits for another time, yeah?” Holster said. “I’m gonna get you some water.”

He made it half a step away before Jack grabbed his arm. “Don’t you dare leave me alone,” he said.

“Dude, chill,” Holster said patiently, detangling his arm from Jack’s grip. “I’ll be right back. It’ll be thirty seconds tops.”

“Don’t -!” Jack said, but Holster just walked away.

By the time he got back, there were three girls clustered around Jack, who already had trouble rejecting girls, in addition to how drunk he was at the moment. Oops.

“Here,” Holster said, pushing through them and handing Jack the cup of water. “Ladies, surely you can tell that he’s way too drunk to show off his famous dick anyway, so may as well come back another time, hmm?”

One of them scowled at him, but the other two looked mortified and dragged their friend away.

“Okay, sometimes you’re okay,” Jack decided.

“Much obliged,” Holster said, sipping his own drink and leaning back against the wall, really hoping Kent was going to show up soon.

 

Fortunately, he was there in about ten minutes, slipping through the crowd and into Jack’s arms before Holster even noticed him.

“Whoa!” he said, starting forward, a little impressed at how brazen people could be before recognizing him. “Oh, hey Kent.”

“Hey Holster,” he said, turning his face to smile at him as Jack wrapped his arms around him and buried his face in his neck.

A surprisingly touchy drunk, Jack.

“Hey,” Jack said, nuzzling him. “Have I told you that I hate my dick?”

“Not in as many words,” Kent said. “Wow, you are plastered, aren’t you?”

“My bad,” Holster said. May as well keep the mea culpas rolling this week.

“It’s fine,” Kent said, laughing. “It’s kind of cute.”

“For now,” Holster said.

Kent winced. “True. Any idea how long the pliable cuddly part lasts before the vomity unpleasant part starts up?”

“Can’t say, never seen Jack in either state before,” Holster said. “But from personal experience, I’d give it another forty minutes.”

“Good to know,” Kent said. “You okay, baby?”

“Yeah,” Jack said, pressing his lips to his hair and breathing in. “You wanna drink?”

He snorted. “I think the two of us together should average, like, a tipsy person, and I think you’ve already got the other end of the spectrum covered.”

“Sorry,” Jack said, grimacing.

“It’s okay,” Kent said, patting his arm. “You’ve had a rough week.”

“I did,” Jack sighed.

“I know, baby,” he said, but Jack didn’t seem nearly upset enough to warrant such sympathy anymore.

 

Holster walked into the locker room the next morning just in time to hear a guy saying, “I never knew he was such a slut though. Throwing himself at him just because he’s got a big dick.”

“You better not be talking about Kent,” Holster said casually, turning the corner.

They startled, and then the guy said, “Whatever, man.”

“Because them hooking up for the first time is what revealed Jack had a big dick in the first place,” Holster said. “And it just seems kind of desperate and sad that you’re so jealous you’re making up bullshit to act like you’re the one who’s out of his league.”

The guy’s face darkened and he opened his mouth.

“Yeah, just walk away with what’s left of your pride intact, man,” Holster said, patting his shoulder. “I’ma go lift, you just keep it moving, yeah?”

He kept walking, leaving the guy fumbling for words.

Call that one a win, he thought smugly.

 

Jack spent the next week grafted to Kent’s side, holding hands with him and kissing him in public and generally being a clingy piece of shit until everyone else finally got the hint and backed off.

Kent didn’t seem to mind.

“It’s so fucking cute it kills me,” April said sourly.

Kent laughed from his place on Jack’s lap.

Jack scowled.

 

Two weeks later, Holster walked into the apartment, cursed loudly, and covered his eyes. “Dude, just because I’ve seen it now doesn’t mean I want it to be permanently imprinted on my eyeballs!” he said.

“Sorry Holster!” Kent said, and Holster waited until he heard them vanish into Jack’s room to lower his hand.

“Damn!” he said, going to get the disinfectant. “On the fucking counter, too! You guys are sick.”

“Sorry!” Kent said again.

Holster groaned.

Worst reveal ever.


End file.
